Lessons in the Valley: Part 2

A couple days ago I posted about my valley. No one likes to experience hard times, but sometimes it's those difficult situations that can teach you the most. As parents, we can give advice to our kids, but that doesn't always mean that they truly understand. Sometimes they have to experience something for the lesson to solidify in their mind.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

II Corinthians 12:9

Sometimes, God has to allow us, as His children, to learn lessons in the same way, but He's always faithful to help us through. There are many lessons that He is teaching me through this experience. These are some of the big ones.

Homeschooling has many benefits. I already have a list of reasons why homeschooling is perfect for our family, but I found another reason to be thankful. If I had to drive the kids to school and pick them up every day, it would have been very difficult. For one thing, the older kids have helped so much. Those first couple weeks when I couldn't do anything, they did it all. If they had been away at school, I would have been alone with an active toddler. Also, we would have to had made other driving arrangements during this time, which would make things complicated. 

Instead, we were able to continue school from the couch. No, it's not ideal and it's certainly not without it's complications, especially because we've transitioned from a summer schedule to full-day schooling. On top of that, we have a toddler--who is already acting out because he knows something is wrong when Mommy is sitting all day--and who does not understand why his playmates aren't giving him their full attention--and who is in the still-needs-nap-but-refuses-to-take-napes stage. It's not been the easiest few of weeks of schooling. Not at all. But as I sit here, I can't help but be thankful for this opportunity and the blessings of it, especially during a hard time.

It's ok to ask for help. I bet this is a hard one for a lot of people. We think we can handle everything on our own. And it hurts our pride when we can't. I've said many times that I could never have a maid, because I'd clean the house myself before she even got here, ha. I've also said many times that clutter is stressful to me. Oh, I am all for making big messes for learning and fun (for instance, like here and here); it's just that they need to be cleaned up afterward. Aside from the playing though are the typical chores that arise daily--laundry, dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, sanitizing, decluttering. A lot of mess can happen in household of 7, especially when 6 of those people are here all day every day. Even if the kids always picked up everything after themselves all the time (riiight), there would still be chores that needed to be done, meals that needed to be cooked, bathrooms that needed to be cleaned, and dishes that needed to be washed. While I am training my kiddos to learn these life skills, I am the one who does the majority of the daily tasks. Now I cannot do these things and it all falls to others.

I've tried a couple different approaches to getting the work done. The best that I've found is when I specifically ask for certain chores to get done. Leighton works a grueling 50 hours a week. His workload is already too full, and now he picks up the slack at home, runs all the errands, and cares for the kids and me. Let's be honest, clutter does not bother him like it does me. On top of that, he really doesn't even realize all the needs to be done because he's never had to do it. Rather than ignoring it, waiting to see if he'll notice that {insert any chore} needs to be done, and getting frustrated when he doesn't . . . I just ask him to do it. And you know what? He does! As far as the kids, they've been helping a lot more, too. I may not be able to do much from the couch, but I can delegate really well, haha. I give each child a specific task. When they finish it, they get another. "Tyler, put away the shoes by the door. Alyssa empty the dishwasher. Nicky put away those books." Giving them each a specific job works so much better than "clean the kitchen." I've used this approach with them for years, but we're on a much bigger level now. I'm also blessed to have my mom so willing to help out. She came over many days in the beginning when I could not get up at all and even took Nick to spend the night at her house a couple nights. There are still a few times when the kids can't really do something and Leighton truthfully has not had the time, and all I have to do is ask and she comes. We also had other family and friends offer to do things. I'm learning that even though it's hard, it's ok to ask for help.

I am not in control. Oh, in theory I knew this, but in reality, I like to be in control--or at least as much as you can control things when you have a house full of little ones, ha. I am a doer. I like to plan and work. I don't sit down to relax until the kids are in bed and Leighton and I spend our alone time together. In the last month, I've done little else beside sitting. With that potential 6-month healing time looming over my head, I knew I couldn't push myself and chance injuring the ligaments more. At 2 weeks, the pain subsided a little and I was able to begin physical therapy exercises. Within a couple days the mobility of the ankle was greatly increased. By 3 weeks, I was able to put slight pressure on the foot as I used the crutches. I even could shuffle a few steps from the counter to the fridge if I absolutely needed to. The progress was exciting!

Then I made a huge mistake. I got fed up with sitting all day except for a few 15-minute periods where I was able to get up before being totally wiped out. There were things around the house that needed to be done. I realized that if I walked on just my toes and stayed off the rest of the foot, I was ok. I washed dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. I put away laundry and even changed the sheets on my bed. I went down the stairs one at a time sitting and scooching, washed a load of clothes, and went back up using my knee instead of my foot. It felt so good to do something profitable! Until I realized that the pain had returned full force. Worse than that, because of the way I was walking, I overexerted other ligaments, causing my ankle and leg to swell and ache in places it hadn't before. I was back to constant pain that woke me in the night. Again. I lost the mobility of the ankle. Again. I had shooting pains, again, but this time in previously uninjured locations along with everything that had been aching for weeks. It didn't take long to realize that those few things I was able to accomplish were not worth it. That was nearly 2 weeks ago, and I still am not where I was before that day.    

I cannot control how quickly I heal. It doesn't matter how much I'd like to be able to do certain things, I can't just ignore that my body is not ready for that activity yet. This is probably the hardest lesson I'm learning.  

Now is the perfect time to train young hearts. Training and teaching my little ones is always a priority for me (in fact, it is my focus this year), but habits can sneak up and, before you know it, you have a problem. It's like the backwards version of the idiom. In this case, it's you can't see the trees for the forest. Instead of being focused on details, you focus on the whole.

Being incapacitated for many weeks gives you a lot of time to step back and really see things. This time of stillness is helping me to be more in tune to my family, to recognize those "trees" that have grown in our forest and need to be removed or pruned. Attitudes that need tweaking, habits that need correcting, character traits that need improving. Because I don't have anything else vying for my attention, it's easier to identify the areas that need work and focus on correcting them. So many of these things are heart issues. The kids and I have had a lot of heart-to-heart talks in the last few weeks, helping them to recognize where they need change and helping them follow through. They have been some very special times. The problem though is that it's not just the kids who need work. God has shown me things in my own heart that need to change. Create in me a clean heart, O God has been my prayer (Psalm 51:10). Not having my typical responsibilities to distract me has given us the perfect opportunity to work on our hearts.

It's been a painful 5 weeks, and the end is nowhere in sight.  But I am thankful for the lessons that I'm learning. I won't claim that everything is perfect now and my fears gone. There are good days and bad days.

But I've decided that I will choose my response to the situation. I will look for the good, focus on the blessings.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God 

in Christ Jesus concerning you. I Thessalonians 5:18 

I will be thankful.

Lessons in the Valley: Part 1

My injury happened one month ago this past Saturday, 5 weeks ago yesterday.

I used to think that a sprained ankle wasn't really that big of a deal. I had heard numerous times about people getting a sprain, maybe using crutches for a few days, and then being back to normal. 

I've learned a lot about sprains in the last few weeks.

The most common type (which I just referenced) is a simple rolling of the ankle that heals quickly. The inversion sprain happens when the ankle rolls outward, the foot turns inward, and the ligaments on the outside of the ankle are injured. An eversion sprain is the opposite, causing damage to the inside of the ankle, and is much less common. 

The least common is the high ankle sprain. This can happen when the leg twists forcefully while the foot is planted. The ligaments that connect the leg bones together are stretched and torn, resulting in a severe injury and lengthy healing process. This sprain can happen alone or along with an inversion or an eversion sprain. 

(You didn't know you were getting a medical lesson today, did you? Ha.)

So where do I fall (no pun intended) in this list? I managed to get all three types of sprains at once. The dreaded high ankle sprain along with both inversion and eversion sprains, as well as damaging additional ligaments through my shin--because if you're going to do something, do it right. To make matters worse, they were grade 2 sprains because there is a significant level of tearing.

I quickly learned that sprains can be a big deal. In fact, I was told multiple times that it would have been better to break my ankle than sprain it the way I did. My healing process can take anywhere from 2-6 months. 

To read the facts is one thing, but to experience the pain is something completely different. 

I have a high pain tolerance. But this was different. It wasn't so much the initial discomfort, but after 2 solid weeks of throbbing, shooting, radiating pain, I was getting weary. My foot, both side of the ankle, all through my lower leg--everything hurt immensely. And constantly with no reprieve. Then when I pinched a nerve and caused sciatic pain to pulse from my hip all the way through my toes in a continual tingling sensation, I was near tears. 

It was agony.

It was so excruciating that it woke me often each night, both from the pain itself and the nightmares that it caused. The most gut-wrenching, disturbing, fear-inducing dreams I have ever experienced. I'd wake up breathing heavy with my heart racing. Had I been taking pain killers, I would have attributed the horrors to them, but there were no drugs in my system. 

Why? I know, reading that it seems foolish to even me, but I'm stubborn. I don't take pain meds unless I absolutely have to. And I figured that if I didn't take it in the beginning when the pain was potentially the worst, I surely didn't need to take it now. Every day was a little better than the day before. If I got through that, I can get through this. Leighton tried multiple times to get me to take something to lessen the pain, if for nothing else than to allow me to get some sleep. But I was determined to complete the whole experience without a drop of drugs. Why? Just so I could say that I did. (Again, I know it doesn't make sense, but, stubborn, remember?)   

I couldn't put any weight on it for those first 2 weeks, not simply because of the pain, but also because the torn ligaments just could not hold the weight. If I tried to stand, the ankle would buckle and I'd have to catch myself. I spent my days using the RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation) method of recovery. I dutifully set my timer for icing: 20 minutes on, 60 minutes off. I was determined to do everything right in order to heal as fast as I could. I have 5 young children; I need to be able to care for them.  

My purpose in explaining this is not to complain or get sympathy. Before today, I didn't tell anyone but those absolutely closest to me what was happening in such detail, mostly because they could see it anyway. I believe that your attitude affects your situation. You cannot control your circumstances, but you can control your response to them. That's why even when things are rough and we've had a difficult week, I make sure to still post about what made me Smile. Because, no matter what, there's always something good. 

So, what's my good in all of this. 

It's easy when you're in the mountaintop living. Things are going right, and you just coast along without much thought. But it's those valleys that can really teach you. It's in those hard times when you may be searching for God and just feel lost. 

That was me.  

It was so much more than the physical pain I was experiencing. It was helplessness in caring for my family and our home. It was disappointment in not being able to partake in annual seasonal favorites (like canning bushels of tomatoes and apples, geocaching with the family, and more). It was worrying about things I knew better than to worry about. It was feelings of guiltiness for getting injured and putting extra responsibilities on others. My thoughts became my enemy.

I was starting to become depressed. Not just discouraged, but depressed. I'll spare you the details, but it was very unlike the positive, "there's always something good" person I try to be. That's when I really sought after God, not just my typical daily prayers, but begging for His help. I knew my situation wasn't going to change overnight, but I needed help in changing my perspective. God began to work in my heart. He helped me to be grateful for the blessings, to recognize the good things.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, 

to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Lessons in the Valley: Part 2 explains those good things--and also the huge mistake I made that reinjured the leg and set my recovery back. There are many lessons I'm learning through this experience.

Make Your Own Decisions

Father's Day always gets me thinking about my husband and his relationship with his father. Or, rather, his lack of relationship with his father. Some of you know the details; many of you do not.

In a very small nutshell: his mom died, his dad remarried, he ended up in a children's home.

Obviously, I left out a lot of details. Very ugly details. Details that made me angry and broke my heart when I first learned of them. Even now, 12 years after I heard the story, I still question why.

But the purpose of this post is not to fill you in on the sordid details.

The purpose of this post is to tell you that everyone makes his own decisions.

I've heard many times that "you're a product of your environment.," and I do believe that to be true. Mostly. Your habits, actions, way of thinking, emotions are all influenced by your surroundings. I can see traits of my mother in me--the way I fold clothes, the way I organize my bookshelves, the way I cook--just like I can see my influence in my children. After all, the Bible teaches us in Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Your influences, as a child especially, will greatly impact your life.

But you still have to make your own decisions.

A rough childhood with poor examples is no excuse to continue down the same path.

You've heard the stories about the men who abandoned their families, because their fathers did. The fathers who were drunkards or druggies, because that's all they knew. The mothers who neglect their children, because that's what they experienced as little girls. Too often as a society, we allow the poor choices of another generation dictate our actions today. It's an excuse to do wrong. After all, it's much easier to blame someone else for your bad decisions.

We shouldn't just accept it as fact, though, with an understanding and sympathetic nod. I know that it must be difficult to make proper choices when you haven't been taught how--sheesh, it's not always easy to make proper choices even when you have been taught how--but people need to hold themselves more accountable. 

I knew, long before we ever had kids, that Leighton was not going to be one of those men. He wasn't going to follow in his father's footsteps. He wasn't going to be another one to use his painful past as a template for his future. Had I seen any of those characteristics, even in the smallest sense, I would not have married him. 

Instead, he became the father I knew he would. He's loving, hardworking, and slow-to-anger. He's a good provider, our spiritual leader, and the head of our home. He's a hands-on-dad and a faithful husband.

He did not naturally have all of those tendencies because he saw them throughout his childhood. They were not just "second nature" because he had a perfect example as a child.

He made the decision to be a good dad. And I think it's a pretty good indicator that he's doing a great job just by reading what his children say about him.

I know it might sound cliché, but I am so proud of my husband. Every time I hear of someone else who succumbed to the struggles of the past, I always think of him. His strength, his resolve, his unbelievable forgiveness, and his unfailing love.

He made his own decisions. And he chose wisely.